


like im looking down from the ceiling above

by ShyAudacity



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Buck Centric, Canon Compliant, Crying, Episode: s02e18 This Life We Choose, Fix-It, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Mentioned Christopher Diaz, Mentioned Shannon Diaz, Missing Scene, Panic, Past Character Death, Season/Series 02, Tenderness, Whump, Worry, idk what else to tag oops, or at least its implied that they're talking about her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23365741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyAudacity/pseuds/ShyAudacity
Summary: "The world keeps moving around him. In a second, Bobby is somewhere nearby talking about God knows what- keeping him alive a little longer, no doubt. It’s hard to make sense of what’s going on around him, but Buck knows the risks. If he closes his eyes, he could lose reality altogether; Buck isn’t ready to see what the other side ofthatdoor looks like.Not yet, anyway."ORA look inside the ambulance ride after the firetruck bombing in 2x18 (as well as a few other added moments I wish we could've seen).
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 330





	like im looking down from the ceiling above

**Author's Note:**

> Am I ever going to write a fic that's longer than 3k again??? Who knows. 
> 
> Unbeta'd and title from Why Am I Like This? by Orla Gartland.

It all happens so fast that Buck can hardly comprehend it.

One second he’s in the front of the rig and the next thing he knows he’s lying on the pavement and his ears are ringing like never before. Everything in him wants to run, wants to get up and go help. He as to do something, _people are hurt, I have to do something_ \- but he can’t move. Something’s caught on his leg and- oh. Oh _God_ , it’s worse than he thought.

The world keeps moving around him. In a second, Bobby is somewhere nearby talking about God knows what- keeping him alive a little longer, no doubt. It’s hard to make sense of what’s going on around him, but Buck knows the risks. If he closes his eyes, he could lose reality altogether; Buck isn’t ready to see what the other side of _that_ door looks like.

Not yet, anyway.

His crew is nearby, he knows that much. Buck can’t see them, but he’s sure they’re there. They wouldn’t leave him behind in a moment like this. He’s trying not to spiral into a panic; that’s his job after all. Keeping a level head and fixing things when someone else is having a crisis. In fairness, though, he never imagined he’d get stuck in a situation like this- no pun intended. 

In the midst of all the chaos around him, he almost wishes Maddie was here. At the same time, he’s glad she’s not; his sister shouldn’t have to see him like this. Absently, he wonders what she’s going to say when she hears Buck got himself into trouble _again_. He can almost picture it; Maddie rolling her eyes and shaking her head saying, _“What has Buck done now?”_

 _Shit_. What are his parents going to think about all of this?

His brain catches up to the sound of footsteps just in time to notice that his team is finally around him- finally able to _help_. Someone- Hen, he thinks- asks him a question and it takes all of his energy just to answer her. “Kinda numb,” he mumbles.

All the noise around him is slowly blending into one and turning to static in his brain. Everything feels like it’s happening too slow and too fast all at once.

The ten seconds after they’ve gotten the fire truck off his leg are some of the most painful in all of Buck’s life. He barely noticed the pain at first but now it’s all he can focus on. It’s like pins and needles shooting up his legs. Someone is screaming and- wait, no, that’s _him_.

There are a dozen hands touching him all at once and Buck can’t tell if that a good thing or bad.

After Eddie and Hen finally pull him out from under the rig, Buck lets everything float away. He knows he’s in good hands now. His body feels heavy when they finally pick him up off the ground. He can hear everyone talking around him, pleading with him to stay awake- _stay with them_ \- but he couldn’t stop it even if he wanted to… he’s so goddamn tired. The world is getting foggier by the second and everything hurts.

What’s the worst that could happen if he slept for just a minute or two, right? A little nap never hurt anybody…

More than anything, he hopes Maddie forgives him for leaving her like this.

When the crowd caved in to come save Buck, the whole 118 let out a sigh of relief. Sure, that relief only lasted until Buck’s almighty scream of pain- but it was relief nonetheless. Something for them to hold onto, even for just a second.

Hen can see Buck slipping mentally as soon as they move him onto the backboard; the blank look on his face scares the hell out of her. Each time his eyes close they stay that way a little longer than the time before, losing their color a little more- becoming a little less Buck like.

If they never opened again on her watch, she’d never be able to forgive herself.

Once he’s been lifted onto the stretcher, she says, “Stay with us, Buck. Hospital is four minutes away, okay? C’mon.” It’s for herself more than anything, just trying to keep herself level headed.

All is quiet in the back of the rig. Time feels like it’s moving twice as slow. Chimney drives while Hen and Eddie tend to Buck in the back. Hen puts a splint on his leg while Eddie keeps track of his vitals.

“How’s our boy doing back there?” Chimney calls back nervously.

“Hardly conscious but at least he’s alive,” Eddie says in a clipped voice. He can’t bring himself to look away from Buck’s face; it hurts looking at him. It reminds him too much of everything he’s already lost- everything he could lose.

Eddie doesn’t want to add Buck to that list. He _won’t_.

Buck lets out a groan a few seconds later and all of them hold their breath. His hands grapple against his shirt for a second before he groans again- sounding pained this time.

“Buck?” Eddie asks, “Buck, can you hear me?”

Buck’s glazed over eyes just barely open and Eddie touches the side of his head- the one that isn’t bleeding sluggishly, and tries to catch his attention. “Hey, Buck, just hang on. We’re almost there, I promise.”

Buck doesn’t react at all and Eddie tucks his free hand in Buck’s own for the sake of keeping him grounded- keeping him _here_ for as long as he can. “We got you, bud. Just hang on a little longer, alright?”

He doesn’t react at all except to slowly blink up at Eddie and god help him Eddie can’t ignore the growing knot in his throat anymore; it’s obvious that Buck isn’t registering any of this.

All of this is too much. His emotions are still too raw- Eddie can’t keep doing this. He squeezes Buck’s hand as tight as he can, hoping that Buck is lucid enough to recognize that he’s even here.

“Listen to me,” Eddie says, unsure of how he managed to put any strength behind his voice. “You are not going to die tonight; do you hear me? That’s not going to happen, Buck- I won’t let you; I _refuse_. Don’t go. Please not yet, Buck, _please_.”

Maybe it’s just his brain playing tricks with him, but Eddie swears that Buck squeezes back for the smallest of seconds.

By some shred of luck, Buck stays somewhat lucid even after they’ve arrived at the hospital. He continues to groan occasionally even as he’s wheeled into the emergency room, all the movement aggravating his injuries; a flurry of nurses and a doctor surround them in a second, already taking over the situation.

Someone asks, “What happened here?”

Hen rattles off the details, her voice mechanical. “Twenty-eight-year-old male. Suffered a Crush injury in the field. In and out of consciousness. Vitals are stable.”

Buck gets pulled into a med-bay a few seconds later and Chimney, Hen, and Eddie all get shooed out of the room almost immediately- a nurse closes the door on them and everything. The sinking feeling in their guts is mutual. Nobody moves or makes a sound- hell, they hardly breathe. The three of them stand there for a long moment and let everything sink in.

It all feels like one big, bad dream.

After a while, the three of them retreat to the waiting room. They find Bobby and everyone else already there. Everyone looks like they’ve just met the holy ghost.

Maddie is sitting next to Athena, her eyes watery and fearful. She stands when they come closer. “How’s Buck?”

“It’s hard to say,” Hen supplies. “We got him here in one piece, but-.”

“But it’s hard to tell with Crush injuries,” Maddie finishes and Hen nods.

Maddie sits again and Chimney moves towards her, putting an arm around her. Eddie and Hen follow suit, taking the open seats near Bobby.

“So, what now?” Athena asks, unusually emotional.

“Hope for a miracle,” Eddie says solemnly.

All of them sit. They wait. They don’t talk. They pray that nothing goes wrong- that their boy comes _back_ to them.

Once he finally starts to come to, Buck feels like he’s been asleep for a year. He feels foggier than he did before he closed his eyes and he doesn’t like that _one bit_.

Then again, he wasn’t really sure he would wake up at all.

There’s a soft, warm light nearby (when he opens his eyes). Something is tickling the underside of his nose. He reaches to pull it away but someone else’s hand stops his halfway there and presses it to the mattress.

“No, leave it there, Buck,” a familiar voice says. “Trust me, you need it.” 

Letting his head loll to the side, Buck sees her finally. Maddie is here. Something goes tight in his chest at the sight of her; the rest of the day begins to come back to him. The bombing. The worried looks on everyone’s face. His leg being trapped under the firetruck- shit, _his leg._

He regrets looking down the second he does it. His leg is in a splint- bloodied and covered in gauze. It looks like a nightmare. His next breath stops halfway out of his mouth just for the sake of taunting him. Reminding him how easily things can be taken away from you-. 

“M-Maddie,” he says on a whine. Buck doesn’t have a clue where the tears came from but now he can’t seem to stop. His eyes sting and go blurry; he wishes he could back to sleep and wake up from this bad dream.

Maddie leans in close and shushes him, placing a hand on the side of his face. “ _Hey_. Hey, Buck, it’s okay. You’re gonna be fine, I promise.”

He shakes as he cries, letting everything out- or at least he thinks he does. It’s hard to tell with how hazy everything still is. “That’s- that’s not,” Buck stammers, his voice wobbly. “Maddie, _my leg_.”

“I know, I know; the doctors, they’re going to fix it. I need you to breathe, Evan, c’mon. In and out, just like always.” 

Buck stares up at the ceiling and wishes he could wake up from this bad dream already- but he never does. The nightmare keeps going, getting worse by the second. The tears are leaving warm streaks down the side of his face; if he was feeling any less like his body is made of lead then he’d wipe them away, but he _can’t_.

There’s a pressure on his chest that he doesn’t like one bit. It feels like he’s dying all over again- _oh God._

The lights above him start to swirl. Maddie’s hand never leaves his face and he’s grateful for it; she wipes away the water lines that he can’t reach. Buck can feel himself slipping away again- back to that other place that he’s learned to grow afraid of, but he can’t stop it. He’s not strong enough. Not after everything that’s happened today.

“Just sleep, Buck,” Maddie tells him. “We’re gonna be here when you wake up. I promise.”

 _I wish you weren’t,_ he thinks to himself right before the world goes dark.

_I don’t want anyone to see me like this._

Waking up doesn’t freak him out or hurt so much this time around. He doesn’t have to look to know there’s a blanket covering his legs, and he’s grateful for it. Buck already saw the cast once… he doesn’t need to look at it again. 

He decides to take stock of the rest of his body, giving attention to everything else that he can feel. There’s a warm, calloused hand covering his forearm and Buck surprises himself with how much he doesn’t mind it. It can’t be Carla; she was here before. The hand is too big, too firm to be Maddie’s so that only leaves one option.

Eddie is looking at the ground when Buck finally forces his eyes to open. His eyes are shiny and red in a way that makes Buck’s stomach twist in a knot, but he’s not in his uniform, so at least he’s gone home for a bit. He vaguely remembers a conversation from before, when they were in the back of the ambulance… one with Eddie asking him not to leave _please not yet, Buck, please._ A chill runs down his spine just thinking of it.

He’d roll over towards Eddie but the cast on his leg is too restrictive, so Buck settles for groaning lightly to get his attention.

Eddie startles lightly in his seat at the sound, obviously caught up in his own little world. “H-Hey,” he quickly says. “You’re awake.”

“Yeah. You okay?”

Eddie lets out a pitiful laugh. “You just got crushed by a firetruck and you’re asking _me_ if I’m okay?”

“Judging by that look on your face, yeah. Felt like a good question to ask.”

He scoffs, his face going stony before looking up at Buck. There’s a faraway look in Eddie’s eyes that he can’t place but he knows it can’t be anything good.

“I’m not going to bury anyone else,” Eddie says lowly. “Definitely not you.” 

“Eddie-.”

“No, I mean it, Buck. I’m not str… I _can’t_.”

Eddie’s voice cracks at the end and Buck doesn’t know what he could possibly say that would make either of them feel better about all of this, so he doesn’t try to fill the air with empty words. He reaches for Eddie’s hand that’s still on his arm, curling his fingers around Eddie’s palm and tugging him closer.

“I’m gonna be fine, Ed.”

“You almost weren’t.”

“But I am _now_ ,” Buck insists. “I’m gonna be back to bothering you at the firehouse in no time; just watch.” 

Eddie lets out a bitter chuckle. “How did this turn into you comforting me? It should be the other way around.”

Buck shrugs as much as he can manage. “There’ll be time for that later… whatever it takes to make sure you know I’m not going anywhere, I’ll do it.”

He musters a smile and squeezing the hand that’s still in his. “You’re a better man than me, Buck.”

He wants to put up a fight, refute it say _no way, you know that’s not true-_ but Buck also knows that Eddie needs this right now. So he lets it go. Tiredly, he looks around then asks, “Where’s Christopher?”

“Home, with Pepa. I haven’t talked to him about the accident yet… didn’t want to scare him again so soon.”

Buck nods, his head nestling against his pillows. “Fair.”

Eddie tilts his head to the side. “You tired?”

He nods again, leaning into it when Eddie’s free hand touches the top of his head. The feeling is familiar in a way that he can’t quite place.

“You can go to sleep, Buck; don’t stay up just on account of my being here.” 

Buck _hm’s_ quietly. Sleep is pulling at his eyelids; the gentle feeling of Eddie’s thumb tracing over his forehead in short strokes gets him to close his eyes altogether. That along with the relaxed, _at ease_ feeling spreading throughout the rest of his body is tugging him under again- but it doesn’t hurt this time. He’s not afraid of it. He knows someone is going to be there when he wakes up.

Someone always is.

**Author's Note:**

> This took me longer to write/finish than I'm willing to admit. 
> 
> Thanks for reading my fic! Comments/Kudos are appreciated and encouraged. Have a great day (and stay safe out there)!


End file.
